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The White Table Blog

My Why

As painful as it is to admit sometimes I kinda had a messed up childhood #cringe - like who wants to hear about that? But for realsies though, I want to share with you a little about my past because not only do I know you love a juicy story any day of the week but because I care about you.


Everyone wants to know your "Why" when you gain fame on social media or success in a business. I hear people say this all the time and I wondered - do I have a why? Pretty much everyone should have a why, right?? Most of the time, it feels like my "why" was engrained in me before I had any say in the matter and yes I wonder too if others feel the same way - as if we are driven by some internal force guiding us through life with intention and discernment. But for so long I ignored that feeling and I made the wrong choices in my life that restricted me from being the person I feel I was meant to be - simply a woman who loves food, family, and has faith to move mountains. Nothing more and nothing less. Less was the life I was living before I did Platter Girl because I had not grasped onto my why.


From what I have gathered, I was born in Riverside County Jail where my biological mother was incarcerated there. I became a foster child until the age of 5...and then was adopted into a wealthy family in Southern California. While we had the most beautiful home on the top of a mountain, I was completely mistreated and never welcomed into the family. Fifteen years of my young life was spent facing physical and psychological abuse, invalidation, humiliation tactics, neglect, and total lack of support into adulthood. At 20, I gained the motivation to leave but after such a prolonged period of pain, trauma, and confusion I spent 20+ years doing anything I could to feel like I was good enough. That usually meant eating my feelings and getting blackout drunk, hopping from job to job, going down rabbit holes on creative projects, and generally lying to myself and others that I was OK. For so long I refused to face what I had gone through... refused to cry, thinking that if I only became "more resilient", more determined to be happy and "successful" that I could do ANYTHING! That I could get back the time lost. That I could be whole.

But that's not exactly how life works.



I eventually worked my way into a lovely corporate nightmare where I met tons of amazing people and stretched my professional-self beyond what I ever thought possible... but was miserable and overwhelmed daily, I hardly had time for my family, was massively overweight, and was really bummed that I was not using my creative talents to their fullest potential... I knew things couldn't go on like this forever...







My husband's Aunt, a strong Christian woman in my life, offered me some advice. She said, why not try listening to worship music on your commute to and from work for a month. See if it makes a difference in your life. I was afraid to try. I grew up with church as my "babysitter" and felt that I had always known Jesus to some degree. I also knew I would cry listening to that music - and there was no way I was gonna ruin my makeup on my way to work!!




But somehow, a week or so after the comment, I began switching my normal music to this radio station "K-LOVE" on my way to work. The first day, I cried almost immediately. The words were speaking right to my heart. I remember wiping the tears from my face as I headed into my Seattle office and checking the mirror to make sure no one could tell I had been crying. It went on like that for over two years. Eventually, I stopped crying so much and was able to face what God was saying to me. The one thing I never truly believed - I am loved. I never needed to DO anything.



I began praying. Something I had always done but only in moments of need or desperation. But this time was different. I just let it all out and surrendered my heart to Jesus and His will for my life. I asked Him for everything I wanted and needed, this time with intention and KNOWING he was there. I never knew how much he would see me and hear me.


Very quickly my life began to change and with His strength I was able to shed myself of my old way of thinking and living. I had a home water birth with my middle daughter that completely changed me, I quit my 6-figure corporate job, lost 115 pounds, started doing my art and focusing on the path I feel that God has set before me. And I am so cool with that.










Today, I am SO grateful for the insane array of ingredients we are able to provide for our family + share with all of you! I hope you will find inspiration, something NEW + Interesting, and something you want to share with YOUR PEOPLE! Thank you for being here and for being such a huge part of my story!


XOXO,

Lea


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